Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Middle Class Angst

The last thing I want to be is a whiner.

I want to be a problem solver. A solution finder. The hero in the storm of chaos. Entropy and time are my enemies. Lack of vast quantities of liquid assets is also an issue. We're doing fine, but you got to believe that if I didn't have to travel 25 miles away every day to get yelled at by people wanting to put up a 1,200 sqft metal building behind their trailer house - I certainly wouldn't.

I had a great time with Alexander yesterday evening. We went out about 7pm to go to Wal-Mart to find the little plastic stakes to put our Christmas lights outlining our front yard. I spent a little too much time driving around and he went to bed about 30 minutes later than he should. My time with him is so limited - the other half of the problem is that on weekends when I should have more time with him, I'm usually spending it attempting to get all of the things that I didn't accomplish during the week done. Most of my time is spent cleaning the house or trying to work on a project for the house.

Why is it that I've achieved what I wanted as a kid - pretty, funny and intelligent partner; heathly, intelligent and good looking kids; a house that I am exceedingly pround of - and I feel like I've lost my way.

I've been praying a lot about why I have such self-doubt in the face of relatively good success. I'm not as creative as I want to be. But I'm not sure that I'm achieving the level of success that people expect of me.
But then, there's the part of me that is ready to divest all and move to New Zealand. So, what ya gonna do? Move on and love my kids and work harder at being happy.

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