Buzzkill

Lets all say this together...this week was supposed to be the "happy week." I was working on contributing to my happiness level this week by working on personal relationships and attempting to feel better about myself and my situation.

So that was working for a short time. Up until Friday afternoon. I should have known something was up when my boss was insistent to go to lunch with me. .

I should have known that something was up when the engineers were whispering on the other side of the room.

So. The Big Boss has decided to remove 60% of the job I'm working (reviewing plat submittals) and place them into the oversight of the Engineering Department. Must be implemented by the first of the year. Without any type of discussion about how efficient (or inefficient) the current process is. Just change it.

My boss feels like it is an opportunity for us to focus more on the long range planning aspects of the city we work for and not having to deal with the day-to-day stuff since 90% of the development review is engineering based. AND we have to also bring back the developer to the DAC meetings even though we have increased the efficiency of getting comments out to the developer from 4+ weeks from application to less than 2 weeks. Guaranteed.

I can handle criticism. Hell I was that guy that after a particularly bad rehearsal during a stage production that the director told me to make sure when I went home that night to take the razor blade down the wrist along the forearm and not across, because it was faster that way. I can handle that. Oh...and that statement last post about "able to handle a crisis" yeah, that still works, but only when I can clearly define what the problem is. Flat tire? - done. Bleeding profusely from a head wound? - Been there, done that. Amorphous issue with development review and pronouncements of micro-management without explanation? Not handling quite so well.

What I completely can't stand - and this stems from previous posts, so get ready - is the anticipation of problems. If you have an issue with me. Tell me. Then I can get over it and either apologize or get out of the way, because pussy-footing around me just makes me resentful and angry.

I used to lie as a small child. Mostly to make people like me. Mostly to gain some sort of sympathy with me, because I had a hard time being a worrier.

Lying got me into trouble. Lying as a small kid made the situation worse and never did achieve the results I suppose I craved at the time.

So I quit. I made the decision to stop lying to people one day and I did it. I can honestly (ha) say that I don't lie and I haven't lied (except for telling the 3 year old about Santa Claus) since I was a kid. So when people aren't completely honest with me. I feel let down and resentful. That's politics. That's life. I just hope that it works out like my boss says it should, otherwise, I'm going to have to get the resume back together again. What a pain.

Its 11:26pm on a Saturday night and all I feel is angry and tired.

I once wrote something during college that I've kept in a drawer somewhere since. I titled it: "All I want out of life is a unique thought" I wrote about how every thought that people have has most likely been thought before by someone else. The law of probabilities has to take it into account. The best inventions are those built upon the ideas of others. But I want an "A-Ha" moment. A jumping out of the bath moment. A hanging a picture over the toilet and slipping and cracking your head on the seat moment. (If you caught that reference you're watching WAY too many movies) Something all to my own. That isn't asking too much.

"There are those who believe that if anyone ever figures out what the universe is for, and why we are here, that in that instant, the universe will collapse in on itself and be replaced by something even more inexplicable. There are still others who believe that this has already happened." - Douglas Adams.

At least the bookcases will be here tomorrow.

Namaste