"The purity of our surrender will fascinate them. They will conclude that we looked into the abyss... and decided that we liked what we saw in there."

James Kunstler's usual hyperbole is watered down today. I can see the image he visualizes more clearly now.

The Cycle of Self-Destruction

It's come to this. I can't ignore the facts that are staring me in the face. I've attempted to write in this space about my thoughts about things in particular, planning and life and not dwell on my own failings and insecurities but I have got to kick myself in the butt to do something.

I awoke at 3am last night with both of my arms sore from laying on them, my feet sore from standing during the day supporting a weight I'm uncomfortable walking around with. I have blood glucose issues that are controlled well with diet and meds but those cause me to have miserable digestive distress that I quickly "take a break" which extends through a weekend filled with indulgences, excuses and regrets.

266. Eight pounds heavier than when I restarted last week. All from one weekend. I'm killing myself slowly. I fear what I'm doing to myself - which leads to anger and hatred of myself - which leads to paranoia and anxiety of what others probably think of me - which then leads to additional self-loathing because I feel that comes across as arrogance to think that anyone cares that much - which then leads to additional anger at myself for the self-pitying useless wretch that I've become at this point.

I'm hampered by indecision and bound by guilt. Guilt of spending too much money, guilt of not spending enough, of wasting time and working too hard. Of overthinking too many things and not thinking enough. Of focusing on the details and missing the view and of wiping it down and thinking it done. Of depending too much on others and not delegating enough.

I'm ready to rend myself into two. Need a Me(2) to accomplish the projects and allow the time to relax. I'm not claiming that what I'm feeling is anything special or unique or even worthwile mentioning. It is important to me because this is what is happening to me right now and failing to do anything about it is my own damn fault.

For the last time...

Ok, here's the real deal.

I am tired of seeing people use the following terms incorrectly. There are always comments about our government that we're living in socialism etc. I was once called a communist and a fascist in the same meeting. How could that be possible? Here's my distilled primer:



Communism = bad; dictorial; oppressive; murdered millions of people; far left

Socialism = not necessarily bad but can be misused; on the left; higher involvement of government in society to ensure equal access to services outside of the market's ability.

Liberalism = not bad; on the left; progressive; higher defense of civil rights and civil liberties; cares about the welfare of people and ideas.

Conservativism = not bad; on the right; traditional; higher defense of individual over the collective; higher defense of capitalism and free market.

Libertarianism = not necessarily bad, but difficult to implement; reduction or removal of government from most activities; prides the individual over the collective; swings both left and right based on other philosophies; may be mixing with anarchists.

Tea party = not necessarily bad, but incredibly misinformed; possibly insane; on the right and leaning further. Not enough cohesion to address or solve anything.

Fascist = bad; may include references to Nazi's; National socialism (which is different from actual socialism); reactionary; dictorial; murdered millions of people; far right.

Action and Reaction

Never before in my life have I felt more incapable of making changes for the betterment of others. Its amazing how bad the economy really is for most people. I've got a friend who was not joking when he told me that he's worried about food purchases. Fort Worth is $77M in the red, Dallas is $130M in the red. My City, while not that extreme is looking at further cuts in budget, examining tax increases and possibly the reduction in services. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that I'm employed and have something useful to contribute to the community - but reading on a daily basis our societal inability to course correct enough to help more people really gets me down.

• Our current administration was built on the Hope for a Change. Processes continue to be slow - accountability for those who are at fault remains ineffective especially for the clean up efforts in the Gulf.
• Courtesy and basic human politeness had deteriorated to such a degree in personal interaction as to be non-existant.
• News media have de-evolved from bringing concise, important information to tabolid trivia and sensationalistic gossip and conjecture.
• We react to problems rather than act toward solutions.

That has been my struggle with being on the left of many policy and social aspects of life. The progressive norm has been to point out the evils of injustice and inequality. Solutions have been few and far between. Many of the solutions proposed and implemented are variants of the compromise with the status quo - rather than making wholesale change. I have attempted in my job to point out the problems - but have brought forward a variety of solutions. Unfortunately, many solutions depend on the efforts of others either disinterested, frightened, or unwilling to make the change.

As a pronouced futurist, one who was always looking as to what will happen in the next week, month and decade - it has become harder for me to envision a holistic atmosphere of improvement. Even the small increments of positive change have become slogs through mire - unfunded directions to do more with less resources, less time, and ultimately less results. 

I've been known to be risk-adverse. I like to plan and come up with alternatives and solutions prior to problems occuring - but as the past year and a half has shown in my own life decisions, if pressed I can make a sea change - stick with my principles and live with the results. Subsequent actions by others in my previous job have shown that this was the best move forward for me.

On the other hand however - QuikTrip is offering $0.49 32oz soft drinks again. So that's a happy.

"Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline." - R.E.M.

Pardon the Interruption

It's been almost four months since I've posted to this blog. In that time I've started and stopped diets three times. I've restarted again this time using Livestrong.com as my calorie counter, exercise log and it will even track my glucose levels - that is if I keep up entering them.

In the past several months we've gone to my sister's wedding, had a really nice time at a high school friend's housewarming party and had Meredith's parents stay with us for a week. Alexander and Ford had a program at their school for Fathers in which they had myself and both grandfathers attend - which was special.

This summer is getting booked up with Vacation Bible Schools (three at last count); swimming lessons; and other things. Goals I want from the summer:

• Go on vacation. We're thinking about going to Oklahoma for vacation. Turner Falls for two nights and two nights in Oklahoma City. Later in the late summer (September timeframe) we might go to Galveston for a long weekend.
• Do some outdoor movies in the backyard.
• Have a party (just because)
• Get an estimate on redoing the kitchen (wallpaper, countertops, refinish cabinets and doors.
• Get new tires for the Accord.

I Wish I Could Rant Like This:

From a conversation on The Huffington Post with Andres Duany:

"Duany began by identifying three concurrent crises that he traced directly to the American lifestyle: Peak oil (the likelihood that we've already consumed more than half the planet's petroleum in barely 100 years), the housing bubble, and global climate change. "It's where we live, the size of our houses, the distances we drive for work, commerce, play--everything."

And it's all a vicious circle. The reason our houses are so big (and inefficient), he says, is because we have eliminated a healthy civic life. We build homes with giant foyers because we have no public squares. We need media rooms because it's not easy or pleasant to drive to a multiplex theater, cross a parking lot through an ocean of cars, and pay a fortune for popcorn. We build bars in our basements because there are no neighborhood pubs. We have giant refrigerators and ever-growing storage needs because shopping is both far away and unpleasant (hello, Costco). The result? We heat and air-condition unused rooms in oversized unpleasant houses. And because our home bars and foyers are empty and our media experiences private, we're lonely, to boot."

Here's the link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/seth-bauer/american-suburbia-vs-the_b_426989.html

Wish I Could

Wish I could:

• say the truth in all things.
• end the negative and retain the positive.
• relax.
• stop the internal struggle against entropy.
• lose the weight.
• finish this senten....